Use Teen Arguments to Your Advantage

Teen arguments are a part of the developmental process of separating from parents.

Teenagers often push back when they don’t like parental decisions. While teen arguments can be extraordinarily frustrating, researchers have found that the type of arguments parents and teens are having can help build up a teen’s arsenal of negotiating tactics.

University of Virginia researchers make their case in a study published in the journal Child Development. Dr. Joseph Allen, the psychologist who led the study, notes that all teenagers argue with their parents. He hopes parents will think about the quality of the arguments as making a difference in the way their children approach real-life conflicts.

In the study, teens were recorded describing their biggest disagreement with their parents. Researchers later played the recording for the parent and teen. Those parents who invited a conversation surrounding the argument had teens who learned to handle disagreements in an adult manner.

Teens also took these conflict resolution skills with them into the real world. Those “who learned to be calm and confident and persuasive with their parents acted the same way when they were with their peers,” says Dr. Allen. These teens were 40% more likely to decline when offered drugs or alcohol compared to teens who did not argue with their parents.

The teens who backed down right away and did not stand up for what they wanted were the most likely to accept drugs or alcohol from peers.

What can you do?

• Help your child argue more effectively by listening to his/her desires.
• Even when you don’t agree with your child, acknowledge when they have a good point.
• Model fair fighting techniques: don’t yell, call names, or talk down to your child.
• Resist the urge to think of the adolescent’s desires as unimportant—it is important to your child.
• Discouraging any disagreement fails to give your child practice in how to disagree successfully in other situations.
• Reward teens when they are arguing calmly and persuasively, but not when they indulge in yelling, whining, threats, or insults.

Teen arguments may be part of what parents expect from teens. This doesn’t mean you don’t have control over the situation. You can help teens learn to negotiate for what they want, and by doing so, you will set them up for more success.